I have had four of exactly the same query this week so I thought I would write a bit about it today.  It’s the issue of the ‘terrible twos’ that can extend to the ‘testing threes.’  All four queries outlined a young child with Down syndrome who (as one mother put it) went from a “smiling, happy lass to a constantly whining, tantruming  nightmare.”  It may be a bit of an exaggeration, but I get the gist of it.  I remember one tantrum my typically-developing son had outside of a toy shop that I would not let him enter.  I thought someone would call the aumbulance, assuming that he was in mortal pain.  I remember vividly standing next to him trying to “actively ignore” the shrieks that filled the entire mall while passersby gave me that “my child would never behave like that” stare.  It probably lasted 10 minutes but it felt like days. 

We all know that toddlers go through a developmental stage where they assert their independence and will.  This is important to develop the concept of being a separate person and to learn how to make choices and control the environment.  It is a delicate balance between allowing your child to make meaningful choices and not allowing her to rule the household.  Even with skillful execution of this balance, your toddler is likely to test you.  One of the greatest difficulties is that toddlers “test to the limits” but they don’t really have limits.  That is, they don’t know when (or how) to stop.  Your child isn't really trying to be defiant or “stubborn” on purpose, he is just trying to express his growing independence and doesn't have the language skills to easily express his needs.  This is often the reason why toddlers frequently get frustrated and resort to hitting, biting and tantruming when they don't get their way. 

Here are some ways you can help toddlers develop this sense of independence and reduce the frustration-induced behaviors:

• Offer many appropriate choices throughout the day (e.g., do you want this dress or this one today?  Do you want an apple or an orange with lunch?)

• Have clear routines for mealtimes and bedtime and follow them.  This helps children anticipate and become independent in the routine.

• Set clear limits and always enforce them. 

• Follow through with your instructions and behavioral expectations.  If she was told to pick up her toys and she doesn’t (and you are sure that she can and did hear) then physically assist her to pick them up.

• Praise him more than usual for good behavior (be specific about what behavior you are praising.)

• Use discipline techniques like timeout when your toddler breaks the rules.  Experts recommend placing a toddler in time out until he is quiet for about two minutes. Avoid lecturing before or after time out. Parent comments should be limited to fewer than 10 words. "James, no biting. Sit in the chair now!"

• Don’t give in to tantrums.  Children learn to repeat behaviors that have been effective in the past. 

One last bit of wisdom. Toddler behavior (good, bad or otherwise) is a phase. With constant positive reinforcement and time, it will pass. 

© Ann Haig Wheeler, DSC 2009

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