Children with Down syndrome are often labeled as “stubborn” because of the common reluctance to comply with instructions and transitions.  This is understandable when one simply considers what the behavior looks like from an outsider’s point of view.  However, often the stubbornness does not come out of choice like it would be if I displayed the behavior, but out of a lack of behavior choices to solve a problem.  For example, if I am deeply involved with writing this blog and a friend coaxes me to play a board game and I shout “no!” and hold on to the computer for dear life, my friend might think I was rude and stubborn.  And I would be because I have knowledge of LOTS of ways to politely decline or negotiate myself out of something I do not want to do.  And it was a choice, right? 

Our kids, however, often do not have knowledge and experience with lots of ways to negotiate and get out of things they do not want to do.  AND, often they are not given choices but forced to do things, or transitioned to new activities with little warning.  I do not like to leave pleasurable activities but I have learned ways to calm myself, ease the transition, negotiate more time, evaluate if I really do need to leave at that moment, etc.  Basically, because I have the internal and external ability to be in control of the situation, I do not need to try to seize control.  When young children do not feel like they are involved in what is going on in their lives they often react adversely.  When two year olds do exactly the same thing for the same reason, we call it “normal.”  It is not “stubborn”, it is about wanting some control, being involved in what is going on, and having some skills in how to negotiate.  Here are some ideas about how to help “coax” and “motivate” when your child appears “stubborn”:

• Give your child a warning before a desired activity is due to end.  Do not suddenly tell her that it is time to go and expect her to quietly comply.

• Teach your child “first… then…”  For example, “first we’ll sing then you can draw.”  Do this many times with enjoyable activities that occur in quick succession.  When she understands this contingency you can then explain what will happen next in the daily schedule.  If she is having trouble leaving an activity, share with her some pleasurable aspect of what is coming next (e.g., “when we get to the doctor’s office you can read your new book.”)

• Give your child many opportunities throughout the day to make suitable choices (e.g., “do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt today?”)  This makes the times when he can’t have a choice easier to bear. 

• Try to not physically manipulate your child by picking up or pulling a child who is able to walk independently.  If someone picked you up and moved you, or pulled on you to come with them, you would probably not like it, even if you were going somewhere nice.  It may take longer, but model using words that explain to your child where you are going and when in a way she will understand .  Give them the time and opportunity to organise themselves to transition.  Support them to do this in whatever way necessary rather than physically manipulating (unless it is a dangerous situation and your child needs to be moved promptly.)  When you rely on physically moving your child it can become an expected pattern and denies your child the opportunity to learn and practice transitioning skills.

• Praise your child for coming when it is time to go.  Tell him what a big boy he is and how proud you are.  Give more attention to complying than to noncomplying.

• Believe that frequent noncompliance is simply a normal stage of development that your child will “grow out of” and not an aspect of Down syndrome that you have to endure.

© Ann Haig Wheeler, DSC 2009

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