When my children were born I was in a foreign country with no family around.  I had a loving husband, but no extended family.  It’s tough for anyone to raise children and when you are a new parent you feel as though you should know what you are doing while deep down you know that you don’t.  I think that gives rise to feelings of inadequacy and guilt.  I certainly felt that way when my kids were born and even though I at times would have liked a family member to advise me on issues, I felt that I would be a burden and my family didn’t know my children well enough to really understand the issues I faced.  Thus, I seldom asked for any kind of support.  My husband and I plodded on with the job of parenting two gorgeous children and sometimes we got things right!  Sometimes we were not so fortunate. 

This weekend a family member came to the family for some advice and to discuss a particular matter.  As a team we all gave out opinions backed by evidence and discussed the pros and cons of particular consequences and actions.  We did not always agree with one another, but there was a lot of love and respect evident.  At times when there were significant disagreements and someone would stop things from getting heated and defuse the situation.  Long story short, at the end of the meeting, everyone was laughing and a game plan had been agreed upon.  A problem that had seemed too big to handle became a “problem shared”, and thus less of a problem. 

Sharing our challenges with others can help relieve us of some of the burden that we carry.  When we can’t solve the problem outright, we can end up shouldering a very heavy load.  I was happy with the outcome of our gathering because I felt that love and respect was evident.  This to me is the hallmark of family.  We may not always agree with every little thing, but when it comes to the big things and someone reaches out, there is a genuine determination to find resolutions with a common goal. 

Looking back on all this and thinking about my own situation, I would have reached out to my own family more when my kids were younger.  It’s not that I feel that I made so many big mistakes; I am satisfied with the job I have done so far.  I am just more aware of how much families can help with that huge burden of parenting. 

That said, I do not believe in looking back with regret or blame on the past; I believe that we all do the best we can with the knowledge and abilities that we have at least most of the time.  I do not feel remorseful about not having family around or not utilizing that wonderful resource, but I do recognize that my road could have been a lighter one had I reached out.  Looking forward, all I can say is Hallelujah for families, warts and all.

© Ann Wheeler, DSC 2010

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